Daring to Be » 2005 » October

Today was horrid. This month has been horrid. So was the previous month.

Is it too much to ask that November goes fine? No, I think I deserve better than fine.

November better be bloody awesome.

(But it won’t be. School is stressful, Christmas shopping will start making work stressful, then it will be December. Finals coupled with the fact it’s Christmas make December horrid.)

I just want to go to bed happy and stress free, then wake up happy and stress free. Yet every aspect of my life seems to refuse me that.

Wake me up when it’s New Year’s?

Went out for Thai food last night. It was pretty good, I never tried it before. I’m happy to report I’ve almost mastered the art of using chopsticks. I’ll blame the fact that I’m lefthanded for being the reason I’m no pro. I blame alot of things I suck at on that.

Last night I watched If Lucy Fell. My favourite quote is “If everybody weren’t afraid, Joe, then nobody would know how nice it feels to be safe.” I just… agree I guess. Don’t you?

I really like the music featured in the movie, by a band called Marry Me Jane. It’s got a wonderful mid-90’s sound that will instantly transport you back to whatever memories you have of that time.

I honestly don’t have much to write, I just wanted to update. Get it out of the way so that later today, when I’m engrossed in essay writing, it’s one less reason to procrastinate.

I’m absolutely starving, thankfully there’s banana chocolate chip muffins for breakfast, courtesy of Nicole and Chelene.

I’m sitting here wearing black sequined horns and a spider as a ring. My tail fell off, and I threw my pitchfork in my room. Tonight was my Brownie meeting, we had a Halloween party with the Sparks. Twenty three girls aged eight and under dressed in costumes running around screaming. I think it’s safe to say that again tonight, I am more than a little exhausted. It was fun though, and incredibly cute seeing all the little girls dressed up.

I may be getting a mentally challenged girl in my unit. It’ll be a challenge, but both Kori and I are willing to give it a shot. Our unit is small enough that I think she will get the care and attention she needs. Plus, a respite worker will attend with her. Hopefully I’ll find out what’s happening soon.

Today I went to the supplier with Tam. I bought a new straightening iron, curling iron, and hair stuff. Even bought my sister small bottles of some of her fave shampoo and conditioner. I love going to the supplier. Wow, I am such a girl.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. You know what that means. Twelve hours of complete boredom. Luckily I have a couple of things planned to make my day less horrid. First, meeting up with Roseanne and Megan after my classes are done at 11:30. Then, coffee with Mike later in the afternoon. After my night class Roseanne is picking me up and we’re going to The Hose & Hydrant for Dylan’s birthday.

In reality? I should do none of this. Two essays due next week.

Here’s to hoping I survive.

I fell down the stairs yet again today. Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time I fell down the stairs here at home, I’d be a rich, rich woman.

Miss Judy is here visiting. She’s my old dance teacher and quite the character. You can’t help but be happy around her. I find it hard to believe she could ever strike fear in my heart, but oh could she. Backs straight girls! Even my brother, whom never took dance lessons, straightens his back ramrod straight if Nicole and I so much as look at him and say “Miss Judy!” It’s funny that Nicole and I still call her Miss Judy. Judy is her first name, she’s married, and it’s been 10 years since the dance school closed. Old habits die hard I guess.

I went to a showing of The Merchant of Venice tonight. For my Shakespeare English class. Which means no 8:30 AM class tomorrow, yay! It did mean being at school on a Monday night, when I would’ve much rather been at home. I also had to go alone, which made me feel, well, alone. I woke up happy today, but that made me sad.

I must be getting sick. Right now I’m sitting here feeling like I’m burning up, and I keep coughing. If I had my way, I would just sleep all day. That won’t be happening, I have five essays due this next month, two just next week.

It’s 10:30 PM now, and I’m exhausted. Time to sleep away the night, and with it hopefully sleep away this dreadfully worn out feeling.

After a terribly busy day at work, which gave me a headache, combined with hacking up a lung all day, and being asked to come into work 2 hours early tomorrow, I’ve decided it’s probably in my best interest to stay in tonight.

My pillow and blanket laden couch and a DVD of The Notebook await me. Ahh, relaxation feels good for this much too busy girl.

Baby Reese.
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The above pic is from Thursday night when my cousin Monika and her one month old baby came to visit. She is so cute and tiny! I could’ve just eaten her up. I’ve already given her enough hugs and kisses to last a lifetime. My lips look all funny in the picture because I was busy making cooing noises and using baby talk.

I’ve wanted a baby since I was still basically a baby myself. Our family used to go on walks around our acreage and I used to hope and pray we’d find an abandoned baby. What a strange child I was.

I’ll be a Mom someday, but right now I’m lacking a few essential things. 1) A big rock on the 4th finger of my left hand. 2) A degree. 3) Actually having a decent career. 4) A sizable nest egg to fall back on.

Nothing much is new. Working today, and tomorrow. Went out last night, going out tonight. To The Pat I believe. Still not one of my favourite places, but Julie wants me to go there to see if she can find the guy she met there last Saturday, and after all the things she’s done to be a good friend to me, this is the least I can do.

Time to drive to work.

Why do I subject myself to twelve hour days at school? I mean, honestly. Nothing makes you feel more alone and disconnected from the world.

I became so engrossed studying for my midterm that I completely forgot to meet a friend for lunch. Social interaction I really could’ve used.

Mike better not forget to call me when his classes are done. Not only is he supposed to buy some delicious Girl Guide cookies from me, but I want to procrastinate on studying and go for coffee.

Things I’m addicted to at the moment: the ending of Wicker Park, rice crackers, Rilo Kiley (as always), text messaging, Dior makeup, bubble baths, procrastination.

Four hours till my midterm starts. Let’s all hope I don’t fail.

Today, I miss living in Regina. I miss my 45 minute walk to school around beautiful Wascana Lake. I walked home from Preston Crossing today, not quite as peaceful of a walk. Too many vehicles rushing by on Attridge Drive.

In Regina I was independant, self-reliant. I loved the simplicity of my life. I was somewhat of a loner. I loved quiet nights at home watching TV or reading a book. I went to movies by myself, took long walks, read by the lake and fed the geese some bread. I lived alone and could never finish a loaf before it went stale, so I was more than happy to share. They’d even eat out of my hands!

I miss my tiny little apartment with all its little quirks. From cupboards that would never quite close, to the slanting floors and countertops. The big tree outside of my 3rd floor window. Small green buds in the spring, lush green in summer, gorgeous red and orange in the fall, skinny grey branches in the winter. I lived there long enough to see every season come and go on my tree.

I especially miss the Sundays when it was nice enough outside to have my window open, and listen to the church bells chime.

I guess what I am trying to say most of all is I miss the person I was when I lived in Regina. Although occasionally lonely, I was mostly happy. I didn’t need anyone. My Valentine’s date was myself, along with some red wine and chocolate. Made myself supper and everything. I was my own best friend.

I met D the very week I moved back to Saskatoon and spent the next five months becoming accustomed once more to having constant company. Just long enough to forget how fine I was single. Which is why I wish I had never met him. Having met him, having been hurt, I feel like I am no longer the girl I was when I lived in Regina. Oh, I am sure I will be in touch with her again. The thing is, I didn’t need for this to happen to me. I was happy enough back then that if I had known what would happen between D and I, if I had known who he really was, I wouldn’t have bothered. Thanks, but no. I’ve been through enough, I did not need to go through anymore. But I was too blind and he was too selfish. It’s not even that I miss him I just miss the girl I was before I met him.

I’m trying to see what good came out of the past five months and I’m coming up empty. I had learned all the lessons relationships teach you, why the repeat?

What good can come from learning how not to trust?

Each day, I am a bit happier that my sister has found happiness with Chad, instead of being resentful because she has what I thought I had.

This doesn’t mean I think D is any less of an idiot or I am completely over him. Just means I am well on my way!

I just watched CTV news with Lloyd Robertson. It featured a vignette about the authors of this book. Definitely a book I have to read.

I loved the part where the authors were stating reasons they’ve been given for a break-up. I related to the “You deserve better” line, seeing as how it was pulled on me just a couple of weeks ago! Best thing is, I laughed about it tonight. Little does he know, but I really do!

The book is based on a play, a play I would love, love, love to have come to Saskatoon. I would take my closest friends, get drunk on wine, and have a soul-cleansing bitch session.

Then, with any luck, really forget about it.