Daring to Be » Carrot River

My internship that is. Yesterday was the last day of school before Christmas holidays. I was spoiled by my class with lots of hugs. I also got a ton of Christmas gifts, the most notable being the book my cooperating teacher put together for me. On the top of each page is typed “You are a great teacher because _________.” She filled in the blank with what each student said and then they drew me a picture. Very cute. I would have cried if I hadn’t already planned on coming back to visit in 2008.

My first order of business now that internship is over was to clean my room. Not that I haven’t cleaned it in the past four months. Just that was only surface cleaning. So it was time for a good, thorough clean! Reorganized my closet, dusted everything, tossed away an incredible amount of junk. I head home to Carrot River for four days tomorrow, which is when I will relax, read books, and watch movies. When I get back, time to get organized; I have a massive tower of teaching resources I need to sort.

There’s a brief update of what has been going on in my little corner of the world.

Yes, I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night. It looks like I’ll be heading to Carrot River for Thanksgiving next weekend, and considering I start half time teaching the following week I figured it was in my best interest to have a low key weekend of planning.

I have a few little things to update about.

• The two other interns and I introduced eachother and led the entire school (300+ students and staff) in a couple of songs at a school assembly, talk about scary but it went well.
• Staff wellness day was Thursday, which meant a free book from McNally Robinson. I chose Peter Pan and Wendy, because though I love every film adaptation of Peter Pan I’ve ever seen, I’ve never actually read the book.
• The vice principal and middle years teachers invited us interns to the grade 8 camping trip next week. It’ll definitely be an interesting experience and you can bet I’ll be bundling up in sweat pants and sweaters, especially if the weather is anything like it is tonight (only 5 degrees Celsius, 41 degrees for you Fahrenheiters.)

As much as I love teaching, I really am starting to realize I need to do a better job of making time for myself. I feel like I don’t talk about anything but internship. Which, granted, I come home everyday with a fresh batch of entertaining stories but all the same I have to make more effort to remember I am not just Miss. Gentner the interning teacher but also Breanne, the 24 year old trying to figure life and love out.

I’m finding it impossible to concentrate on work this morning for I am only here until 1 PM which is when I leave on my three hour trip to Carrot River.

One more day until the wedding! I hope it’s beautiful out, but with a nice breeze. My bridesmaid dress is satin, so if it’s hot with no breeze I’m going to absolutely die (the wedding is outdoors.) It’s raining in Saskatoon this morning, but I talked to my mom in CR and she said it wasn’t there, so hopefully the rain doesn’t follow me.

Megan gave me a “thank you for being my maid of honor and good luck on your internship” gift on Wednesday: a bag filled with supplies to use on my internship. Thanks again, Meg, now I’m even more excited to start!

I wish that the next seven hours zoom by but as soon as I arrive home I hope time slows down for the rest of the weekend.

It makes me sad to think that it is the middle of July already. Megan and Sean get married this Saturday, I have my birthday party next weekend. And, just like that, it’ll be August. My job ends in August. I start my internship. I enter my last year of school.

Oh well… this is all good. I’m not digging my heels in, I’m just surprised at how fast it has all arrived.

I feel awfully lonely this week. Not very much fun at all. That’s why I’m very excited to head to Carrot River this Friday and be surrounded by my lovely and amazing family for the weekend.

To shake this lonely feeling, I’m going to Taste of Saskatchewan for lunch today with Chelene and Nicole. I can’t wait! In fact, I’m going to go check out the menu and make some decisions beforehand!

I am still mourning for Papa, which really shouldn’t come as a huge surprise, as it has only been a little over a month since he passed. But Papa’s death is the first death that has ever affected me this way. As much as I thought I was prepared for it, it still makes me incredibly sad when I think about it. I guess because he was a major part of my life.

Papa babysat me when Jaret and Nicole were off at school but I was too little. I used to take a nap with him on his green mat in front of the TV. We would look through a giant bird book he had, and I would help identify birds found in his yard. He was my date to go see Titanic when I was 15. He taught me how to dance. Papa would get this look in his eye when dancing with my sister or me, a look that said “Yes. Do you understand? Are you enjoying yourself?” Nicole and I saw that look for the last time when we went to Carrot River for the home’s Christmas supper. There was an old time band playing, and Papa was holding our hands and moving them to the music. And he gave us his “dancing look”.

Well, I’m officially crying. I just can’t believe how much I miss him, even though he hadn’t been the Papa I knew and loved my entire life for a long time. He didn’t even know who I was the last year or so of his life. Even so, he would kiss me goodbye and always told me he loved me, despite not knowing my name.

I miss the Papa of my childhood, I miss my childhood.

I want to eat lemon drop candies and Werther’s to remember, but I’m scared it will hurt to.

First, a phone call from a favorite cousin with very exciting news.

Less than half an hour later, a phone call from the special care home in Carrot River with the news that Papa isn’t doing so good. Terrible, actually.

I mean… he’s 94 years old and has led a damn good life. But still… Christmas?

When I was in Carrot River last week, I received a wedding invitation from someone who was a close friend of mine when I was a child. We were friends up until around age thirteen and then simply drifted apart, with little to no contact since then.

I’m very flattered that she thought of inviting me to her wedding and I have decided that yes, I do want to go. She really did not have to invite me and the fact that she did shows me that she has as fond of memories as I do about our childhood friendship.

Now, my dilemma lays in whether or not to take a date. I will know people at the wedding, most noteably Roseanne, but she is a bridesmaid and thus I can’t latch myself onto her the entire time! Other than that though, the people I will know there share the same relationship with me as the bride does: I know them from when I lived in Carrot River but in all likelihood have probably only exchanged a handful of words with them since I graduated and moved to Saskatoon five, almost six, years ago.

Naturally, I think there might be a slight chance that I will feel kind of out of place amongst the rest of the guests. So I’m sitting here, staring at the RSVP note, noticing that I can say whether or not I will be bringing a date. On the upside: Yes! I can bring someone to keep me company! On the downside: Well. We know how my dating life has been lately. I don’t have one. The wedding is on February 16th. Considering my last date was sometime in July, I am fairly positive I won’t find someone I would be comfortable with taking to the wedding that is in Nipawin, a mere twenty minutes away from my hometown.

There you have it, my dilemma: Should I say 2 people will be attending, and then if worse comes to worse just drag a random hot boy there even though I have no interest in him? Or even force a fellow single friend to come along, so we can get drunk at the toonie bar and philosophize about our chronically single state? Or should I just attend the wedding alone, which will more than likely lead to a drunk sob session in a washroom stall as I decide I must not deserve love and when the heck did my childhood friends and I become old enough for marriage anyhow?